My HI Life: December 2017

Hey everyone!

I decided to try something new this semester and make a post fittingly titled, "Semester One Top 10". In this post I will cover the top 3 most impactful things that have happened to me, both good and bad. And, quite honestly, this has something which has been in my drafts for quite a while now; so I'm very excited to finally be sharing this post with you all. As my last post in 2017, what better way to end it than by sharing the things that made me, me?

1. I found out what I really want in a school...or, I'm figuring out what I really want in a school. This year was a rather rocky one when it came to learning more about Manoa and what the school is actually like, and I had many days where I wanted to leave this island and many days where you couldn't drag me off. At this point in time, I can say that I haven't given much thought to transferring. Instead, I've looked more into studying abroad. I realized that transferring would make it more likely that I wouldn't be able to go abroad, whereas staying at Manoa guarantees it. Manoa is by no means perfect, but it's hard to beat the number on the price tag. Furthermore, in talking about my concerns with Daniel, I think he brought up a really good point which was, "Wherever you go you're bound to find the bad things. Every student at every school after two years can tell you at least a handful of things they don't like about their school. It's something that doesn't change even if you transfer, because in two years you could very well be back to disliking wherever else you end up,". I never looked at transferring, or even Manoa, like this, so having heard this I realized that it could have very well been the people and academia that have led me to the feelings I felt weeks ago. Regardless, Manoa is a place that I really hope I can learn to love again, especially in 2018.

2. I realized who my real friends are and the kinds of people I want to surround myself with. This is sounding like I'm beating a dead horse, and for that reason I won't reiterate why I moved out and why I no longer will be friends with my old roommates, but I will say this: In 2017 I thought I had a group by my side who would be there throughout everything. Understandably things changed, classes got harder, people got more stressed, and along the way I realized that the people I had been surrounding myself with are not the kinds of people I want to associate with. I strive to build relationships with those who will encourage, support, and stand by me. In 2017, especially the latter half, I realized that I was tired of being in an environment where I wasn't being supported or treated like a best friend should be treated. I moved out, became closer to the people around me, and have a new perspective on everything around me now that I am in a place where I feel welcome and comfortable. In 2018 I can only hope to make friends with girls who lift me up, encourage me through my hard times, and stand by me through my good times.

3. I met Daniel and found that Oahu really isn't as big as I had thought. With Daniel by my side, I have seen so much more of this island, this ocean, and this state, than I would have ever dreamed possible. Late nights in Kahala Beach playing with bioluminescence and looking at the stars from tiny little bungalows, driving hours West to Kaena Point just to catch a brief glimpse of the sun one last time for that day, holding hands throughout Sunday mass because we understand that in that one hour we are not there for ourselves but for Him, gifting him with a cage free shark dive off the shores in Haleiwa, and flying to Maui to spend our first holiday together are just some of the many many ways we have come to know one another. In 2018 I hope and pray that we will have many more adventures together and that we can learn to take our time together not for granted.

I hope that as the year 2017 winds down that everyone is no longer feeling the holiday stress that we all felt so few days ago. I hope that you all continue to enjoy your vacations or holiday break, and that throughout it all you are excited for what the new year has to offer.

Until next year,

Aislinn

December 30, 2017 No comments

December 15, 2017 No comments

Hey guys,

This post is quite a strange one, as I would bet most of you won't typically come across something such as this. But I firmly stand by the notion that I should be honest in what I write, and it is the dedication to publishing real and raw content that has led me to creating this post.

There is a rather large, rather negative, association between mental illness and seeking out help. I want to stop myself here and emphasize that by no means am I going to write this and share with you all that I have a "mental illness", because I don't, but I do want to talk about my experiences obtaining help at a university.

I have never gotten to speak to a psychiatrist before, been on medication, or so much as kept a diary in which I could write down things that bother me. The closest thing I have ever come to is having a friend as my confidant or using this blog to serve the purpose of that similar to a diary. However, this semester took a very large toll on me. I frequently felt drained, lost, and tired.

I hit my breaking point about a month ago, at what I would say was the peak of the unnecessary problems inside my classroom and out. I became extremely frustrated at how I was beginning to feel constantly belittled in Chinese class. I grew increasingly tired with my situation at my apartment. I became more and more distraught at having no clue how I got this far in the semester when I couldn't remember what I had for dinner last night, much less that I had done the homework required the next day for class. All of these things and more led to me walking into the student services office and making that first appointment.

I was scared. I was nervous. I was shaking. But I was told it wouldn't be but two weeks until I could speak with someone. Two weeks I remember thinking to myself Is it even worth it to go? But I did not cancel. I wanted to; don't get me wrong, I so badly wanted to call and cancel my appointment. I had thoughts in my head of how wrong it was that I was seeking out help, and made regular attempts at trying to convince myself that I didn't need help, and that I must have something wrong with me if I am to get help.

On the day of, two weeks later and bright and early in the morning, I was sitting outside the office. My leg was shaking, fingers quickly tapping away on my phone to help preoccupy my hands. To keep myself busy. To distract myself. It was a lame attempt that was made no better when the woman, the same one to help me, called out my name and startled me to where I knocked over my metal water bottle on the shiny floor, causing everyone to jump and stare. Great I thought just what I need. So I follow her into the back, entering her office and taking a seat on a sofa with cushions very much used. My first thought was that she must see people often; and how I was nervous for what was to come.

The appointment lasted 50 minutes and included notes, spiels on what certain questions mean, and explanations on how this initial appointment won't do much in terms of helping me.

At UH, and I'm sure across many campuses, the first visit in to see the psychiatrist is considered your "initial" one. However, there is very little help in this 50 minute session. It's a lot of me explaining why I want to be there, and more time spent explaining how they're going to take "my case" and try and match me to a counselor. I'm allotted 6 sessions a semester, and appointments depend greatly on the amount of other students who need to be seen. From what I can gather, many students want to be seen at UH, and this has led to the office having to be open on study days and place counselors within residence halls, just in case you can't make it in one day.

Overall I think it helped. I wouldn't say it was life changing, nor would I say I left feeling like I knew all the answers. It helped in the sense of calming me down, getting me to talk out loud about what I'm concerned about, and allowed me to talk to someone with an unbiased opinion.

I have another appointment, but that's not until tomorrow. I might make another post about this in the future, but for now I think I would rather have it be left unsaid. My main goal was to share this experience to depict how most first sessions go, and emphasize that there is truly nothing to be worried about. There is nothing wrong with talking to people and there is nothing wrong with trying to help yourself.

Until next time,

Aislinn

December 07, 2017 No comments

Hey everyone,

I'm writing this post to share what has happened to me over the past week and, in upcoming posts, what changes I'm going to be implementing to help make next semester a better one.

However, before we get into that I want to start with a proper introduction.

Words are powerful. Words allow for the possibility of change and, even more, can instigate change. I repeat, words are powerful. And I have found that when your words are met with a call for an immediate cease, that the resolution cannot be to give in. You see I was told to stop writing. To stop sharing. To stop using my blog as a platform in which I have implied that the situation I am in, the situation that I have been in, has been falsified. But it is just that, when people tell you to silence your voice, is the exact time in which you need to keep writing. You need to keep going. Keep sharing, keep talking, keep going. I refuse to let the voice of a loud minority shut my blog down, and I refuse to close the pages of a book I have used as a free space to share my feelings, my rightfully so feelings, for good. I won't do it because I now realize how powerful my words are. And I want to share that realization with you.

Words are powerful. And with that, this will continue to be the platform in which I can freely speak my mind. I will no longer change my posts to please others, doubt the content that I share, and hesitate before clicking the publish button. Words are powerful and I am, too.

I was told, in a poor attempt to resolve problems (that of which did not exist), to no longer use my platform as a method of sharing my experiences at Manoa.

I would like to point out that if none of you have read the bio of this blog, that the entire point of this blog is to share my experiences at Manoa. In demanding that I no longer use this space as an area in which I can share my experiences, subsequently demands that I cease the entirety of this blog.

And sure, I could make this post as a petty way to vent or rant or just simply to relieve some steam; but I won't. Let me also use this as a time to add that this blog has become a way to help myself heal and no longer continue to keep things bottled up inside. One would think, in knowing how much I have struggled this year, that I would be encouraged to continue the use of this platform- but I am sorry to say this is not the case.

But I am proud to say I will not back down. If my words effect people they can simply click the little red X at the top corner of the screen and not return. That's the beauty of words. You don't need to read them if you don't want to.

I encourage all of you to use this as an example. Take what I am going through and use this to further fight whatever fight you're going through. You are powerful.

And to those who have asked me to try harder and to stop using this platform, just remember you can have your cake but you can't eat it too.

Until next time,

Aislinn

December 05, 2017 No comments

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